Of Prozac and Ravens (revised, which do you like better?)

Thank God, Poe

Hadn't any Prozac.

Else we'd never know, of

Ravens and what men lack.

Are souls and sanity so easily lost?

Vain attempts at drunken bliss,

Escape is naught but at high cost-

Never more embrace joy's kiss.

Frustrated

I told myself that I wouldn't write another poem about her
So instead i'll write one about how frustrated i am
Frustrated that she lied to me
Frustrated that she's happier with me gone
Frustrated that when she isn't tearing out my heart and spitting on it, she's still so fun and friendly and attractive
Frustrated that the one upside of losing her was escaping the judgmental attitude that she suddenly dropped anyway
Frustrated that i used poetry to get over her and now she writes more than me
Frustrated that so many people love her and no one loves me
Frustrated that she still pretends to care
Frustrated that i ever believed her
Frustrated that i know i'm lying when i say i don't miss her any more
Frustrated that she barely had to think it over
Frustrated that other men are touching her
But this isn't a poem about her
It's about my frustration.

Dear Empath,

You think with emotions,
I feel with logic,
We've never seen eye to eye,
But if empathy is your specialty,
Why can't you see all my misery?
and why do you take your rage out on me?
what do you gain by spreading this pain?
or is it in vain that you drive me insane?
I know that you're scarred,
but you think only your life is hard?
Look closely and see, i too have been marred.
You were so kind when we met,
you were the only one
and lately my life has not been much fun.

Breaking Writer's Block

I've not written in quite some time;
no stories, or poems, or even a rhyme.
All the common excuses float through my head;
i've had no time and my muse must have fled.
Yet i've had time enough to wish i could write,
so the calender's not the source of my plight-
and here's my muse now, galloping by,
but it seems that still i can't meet her eye.
So what is blocking my hand from the page?
Why do i feel my thoughts trapped in a cage?
Now i feel the answer looms near,
finally i see him, my nemesis; Fear.
I hold the key to set my thoughts free
but there is something inside I choose still to hide.

Three Years

Maybe if i spend three years
writing down every moment we've shared
i can finally capture this feeling.
The feeling only you can give me.
Then i can share it with the world,
show everyone that perfection is real.
Maybe if the whole world feels the same way
you make me feel
we'll have no more wars, cure cancer, end world hunger.
But that would take three years at least,
and every day without you is so painful.
So sorry everyone, you'll just have to live with war.

On Paper

I won't be happy until i've put you down
      on paper.
Then i can carry you around in my pocket,
If that's the only way i can be with you-
 so be it.

So Beautiful

So Beautiful i'm staying up late trying to put it in words and coming nowhere close
So Beautiful you make a coward ready to take on the world and go on adventures
So Beautiful you make me hate myself
So Beautiful you make me love myself again
So Beautiful it's okay that it makes no sense
So Beautiful i've known you for years and even though every word has been true every minute
     I'm only writing it now
So Beautiful because you understand pain and how to make it go away
So Beautiful because you make the whole world an extraordinary adventure
So Beautiful everyone loves you and you deserve it
So Beautiful because you make me laugh, think, write, act, dance, run, dream, love
So Beautiful because you make me feel funny, smart, daring, clever, energetic, calm, happy
So Beautiful i'd do anything for you
So Beautiful i'm always afraid i'll scare you away
So Beautiful i've used so many words and still come nowhere close

Except Me

I

LOVE

YOU

BECAUSE       

YOU                   

MAKE

 E                          

H       W                     

T             H                       

R       O              

O   L       L               

      W        D       E                        

      MORE

UL                

IF                      

UT                            

EA                                  

B                        except me             

Not a Poet

I know i'm not a poet because i can't find the words to describe how you make me feel,
there is more in it than love alone.
I know that I could write you a thousand poems
and i still wouldn't be satisfied.
I don't know what it is to be truly happy without you.
Yet you bring me so many types of pain.
The screaming vacuum in my chest when i know i can't hold you,
or the writhing in my stomach when i see you with someone else and know you'll never be so happy with me.
It's not that I'm not happy for you,
the worst pain is seeing you upset
and being powerless to help.
I am happy for you, but not enough to be happy.
Because when you are happy with someone else,
you are further from me,
and your absence is my agony.
It's my own fault.
You are the only voice of the thousands in my head
that says
"everything will be ok."

I can't move at all without that voice;
no poetry,
no success,
no rest.
But there was only one moment i truly believed.
The happiest moment of my life.
You said you loved me
and i still remember
when i discovered that you were lying.
I'll never forget-
and you still say you love me
and i don't know what to do.
I can't afford to believe you only to discover that you are still lying,
not again.
I can't ask the million questions encircling my dreams;
how much?
then why don't we talk more?
why do i so often feel like a nuisance?
why then can i not hold you close?
why can't you say what you said before?
"everything will be ok"
why don't i believe you?

You can't possibly love me,
not as much as i love you.
Things would be different.
So why say it?
to taunt me?
yet still.
I need to believe.
I can't breath without you
and you won't leave my dreams;
teasing me endlessly with a better life
that i'll never have
and is probably still not as good
as the reality
you share with him.
It's not that i don't like him.
I do like him.
So much i wish i was him.
You make my life a paradox-
the only reasons to love me
were pointed out by you,
but in comparing myself to what you deserve
my unending flaws emerge.
Maybe if i were a poet
i could make all of this graceful rather than pathetic.
But you're simply to beautiful for me to describe.

The Journey (a Villanelle)

.the smoke might have foretold the blaze

,i suppose then that i had not the mood

,entered unseen ,to escape from this maze

.broken ,beleaguered ,i set down to graze

;twisting the cud, i swallowed and chewed

.the smoke might have foretold the blaze

.struggle to find ,as my eyes glaze

-with way lost ,my hands do brood

-entered unseen ,to escape from this maze

and if i must ,this whole field i shall raze

!fuck this whole place ;don't care if it's crude

!the smoke might have foretold the blaze

...heading forward and torward for days and more daze

while polarized nymphs offered me bells in the nude

;entered unseen ,to escape from this maze

.livations are needed, so grant me your gaze

!grant me salvation -my sins are renewed

-the smoke might have foretold the blaze

;entered unseen, to escape from this maze

Of Prozac and Ravens

Thank God, Poe

Hadn't any Prozac.

Else we'd never know, of

Ravens and what men lack.

Are souls and sanity so easily lost?

Vying for hands to grasp as our hearts bleed.

Even the coldest of minds, covered in frost

Needs, occasionally, for tears to be freed.

What They're Missing

All these happy people don't know what they're missing.
     They remind me of what i have
             Maybe if i had miserable friends
                        They would understand
                                Exactly why i don't want it.

Vending Machine/Diet

I can buy Fritos, and Cheetos, and Lays, and Doritos
Sun Chips and Chex Mix and Ruffles and Ruffles
and Fritos and Cheetos and Lays and Lays
Cheez-It and Red Vines and Cheez-It and Red Vines
Lays and Rold Gold and Grandma's and Grandma's
Grandma's and Kellogg's and Knott's and Austin
Snickers and M&Ms and Trix and Planters
and Blud Diamond and Skittles and M&Ms and Nutri-Grain
Nature Valley and Mr. Freshley's and Famous Amos
Pop-Tarts and Ruger and Mr. Nature, My
what a well balanced diet
***
I covered my apple with extra BBQ Sauce
Because I am on a diet

La Llorona's Night

I'll never forget the night I was told
in whispers and strictly hushed tones
the story of Robert Sandifer
the still chills my bones

Poor Robby had led a tragic life
in merely eleven years' time
his lone mother was an addict
so he turned to a life full of crime

He had joined a gang you see
their band was very tight
but they had made many enemies
with their motto of "might makes right"

Robert was never meant
for a life so full of hate
but there was no way out for him
already it was too late

Robby Sandifer was scared stiff
when he was approached by a lone figure
he knew it was a rival gangster
he shut his eyes and pulled the trigger

When Robert slowly opened his eyes
he saw a young girl whose chest bled
who'd been on her way home from school
terrified, young Robby fled

This is not the worst of Robby's tale
that was yet to come
for police now cracked down hard on all the gangs
and Rob's mistake was known to some

It was Robby's own gang who decided at last
something needed to be done
they'd have to kill Robert Sandifer
but the boy was already on the run

They knew of only one who could help
a being so terrifying and fierce
she is feared by the Devil himself
and with the power of fear, any heart could she pierce

The boys all cowered in fear at the thought
of meeting the notorious Bloody Mary
a spirit can always find you if they've seen your face
when dealing with demons one must always be wary

But desperate times call for desperate measures
The Crying Woman, La Llorona, could hung down their prey
the deaths of young children brought her great joy
yet they needed her help come what may

That night before a mirror three boys brought three candles
and three times they spoke her dark name
crying "the cops are killing us for the death of a girl,
help us kill the one who's to blame!"

In the dark mirror an image appeared
with eyeless sockets dripping black blood
whispering of the death of a young boy
who would soon die alone in the mud

The boys' hearts mixed terror and relief,
for the policed would soon be closing their case
but the terror stayed with them forever
La Llorona had now seen their face

Meanwhile, Robert Sandifer dreamt
a premonition of his own dark fate
he awoke understanding its truth
already he sensed Mary's black hate

The poor boy ran from door to door
all along an empty street
begging salvation from vengeance
but no helping hand did he meet

No adult believed in his stories
every child knew enough to feel fear
no door would open for poor Robby
who felt his demise growing near

He could feel a tearing under his skin
his eyeballs began to burn
he turned round and saw his reflection
his stomach began to churn

Poor Robby had met a tragic death
when he was only eleven years old
his body was found lying in broken glass
his eyes missing and his heart cold

Not So Different

For centuries lovers have looked to the stars
Whispering intimacy and singing of diamonds
But these two were different from all those before
They forgot our whole world in favor of thousands
Circling each of a billion points of light
And they gleefully wove impossible worlds
Out of nothing but each other and the sky
Cities that float above sulfurous clouds
Or a sunken metropolis under miles of ice
Inhabited by giants unhindered by time
Laughing the lovers shared tale after tale
Sometimes of worlds not so different from ours
But where a man can lose his pet, the size of a house
And the three legged dog chased the beer truck out of town

The Contents

As I reveal the contents of this case
I can not help but be surprised by how
they seem to be so plain and commonplace.
A bobby pin to hold back hair in tow
perhaps it does not lock but picks for fun.
A copper penny marked in God we trust
which comes from year nineteen and ninety one
engraved with wise old Lincoln's noble bust.
 A sticky star so shiny and so blue
perhaps it's a mark of triumph past.
Two papers inked with number and letter too
with meaning unapparent but clues vast.
And metal leaf adorned with tiny ring
perhaps a love of all nature may bring.

Poems Written While Deeply Depressed

Wanting to be hated
by everyone
because then
we'll have something in common
***
Trapped alone
in the past
where no one will ever find you
they won't go there any more
and they don't remember the way
***
A feeling like the world is ending
***
A complete sadness
a masterpiece
There is no rage
I have only myself to blame
There is no fear
nothing could be worse
There is no joy
where would it come from
I am sad because there is no rage
I am sad because there is no fear
I am sad because there is no joy
***
Powerless
Unwilling
to fight
to stand
even to move
cry for help
answered with pity and hate
the pity theirs
the hate mine

Old Dirty Trail

The full moon emerges full and bright
Only to be covered by the street lamp's light
As cars whiz by apathetic with speed
Near a lowly dirt path rarely been used
A path marked by dogs and the humans they lead
And the prints of a mare scared and bemused
And whenever rain falls upon this path
The soft dirt becomes much softer and moist
Even as the old prints are washed clean away
New tracks shall appear, each telling its tale
To be told to those who listen when dawns the next day
As cars whiz on by the old dirty trail

Alive

This desk will be smooth
 It is bumpy
 This tree will be rough
  It is coarse, softer than I thought
  I am walking down a straight hallway
   But the walls ahead are curving in
   I should say hello
    I'm watching new friends meet
    I want to stay
     I'm already leaving
     I want to turn back
      I'm still walking
      I want to go
       I'm not moving
      I'm not a poet, I've never tried
     I'm not a politician, I've never tried
    I'm not brave, I've never tried
   I feel so alive, I must be dreaming

Why I Called You My Muse

Each and every time i

                                 Write

                                 Create

                                 Do anything worthwhile

I think about

                    You

                    Your face

                    How you make me feel

           So subtly i almost don't notice

                                      didn't notice

It gives me

                 The courage

                 The energy

                 The inspiration

To make something

                             Beautiful

                             Ethereal

                             Eternal

But in the end

                      I only disappoint myself

Nothing i create can compete with

                         What you give me

                         Your Beauty

Spider's Nest

Your hair is a spider's nest

entangling me and threatening

to burn me with its fiery red heat

as you once burned for me

Your eyes are a tranquil kelp forest inside a raging ocean

trapped in the crater of an insurmountable mountain

displaying everything without revealing a thing

As your serpent tongue imperceptibly juggles illusion and truth

and intermingles the forbidden with venomous lust

Your face is so pale like moonlight

strategically freckled with craters

creating imperfect perfection

the quintessence of uncaring beauty

Your supple neck is a bee hive

so sensitive

so sweet

so tempting

so dangerous

Your voice is the honey

infused with sweet nectar

one cannot grasp it

without threat of being stung

Your laughter shakes mountains

crumbling under the weight of joy

your tears flood the world

cleansing mankind of defenses

Your arms are coiled serpents

wrapping around so pleasantly

and never letting go

of anything that still lives

Your hand is the warm touch of the sun

caressing and sustaining those beneath it

burning those who get too close

and blinding those who cannot turn away

Your legs are the gentle movements of a ray

elegant beyond comprehension

a dance with nature itself

unfit for the lowly eyes of man

Your feet are the most precious pearls

found in so unlikely a place

it is difficult to believe they are really there

Your touch is food and water

sustenance itself

without which life cannot thrive

and is left in shriveling wastelands

Your smile is the beauty of the stars

awesome

fleeting

unforgettable

Your body is a meticulously trimmed rosebush

testament to sacrifice

you've selflessly made for yourself

ensuring that your image is unscarred

by the past you've so easily forgotten

You Shit

I use my right hand to

wipe my ass

and my left hand to

eat

and the politician uses his left hand to

wipe his ass

his right hand to

wipe someone else's

and both hands to

                                      feed                                                                                you

                                      the                                                                                  shit

Rodent Revenge

It was time for the counterattack

For too long Rodent-kind has waited patiently for their time

For too long they have allowed their Feline Overlords to subjugate them

To imprison and experiment on them

But the time for waiting was over

The era of Rodents would soon begin

The meek would soon inherit the Earth

The plan had been put into place weeks ago

Tunnels had been dug

Equipment had been re-purposed

A makeshift radio had been designed

Reinforcements had been called

The rebellion was ready to begin

The foolish cats

In their experiments they had created their own greatest enemy

Professor Gregorivich, who had the intelligence of twenty mice combined

Who had faked his death and escaped

Only to live with his fellow rodents

To plan for their revenge

It was his plan they would be acting out tonight at long last

To turn their scarce rations of water into the ultimate weapon

Cats hate getting wet

Tonight the food chain would change forever

Not Him

I can't be him

not that guy

the hopeless romantic

who would do anything for a girl

he just met

who would disregard everyone

and all of reality

just for her

I can't be that guy

that self centered jerk

putting the weight of reality on her

I can't do that

I love her too much

to fight for her

Gourmet Words!

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We've got sentences in sweet and savory!

Paragraphs sprinkled with parsley and paprika!

Our stanzas are succulent!

Our jeers are juicy!

We've got mouthfuls of metaphors,

and spoonfuls of similes!

Alliteration a-la-carte!

We've got grilled grammar

and delectable deep-fried dialects!

Come buy Gourmet Words!

Generous Squizzle?

“What kind of meat would you like to eat?”

“It's no trouble pickin, I know I want chicken”

“What kind of bread?” the woman then said.

“I can't wait to eat so I'll just choose wheat”

“Would you like veggie-tuh-bulls or just things with a pulse?”

“I'll take the whole spread!” I said, turning red.

“Do you want your mayo a drizzle or a generous squizzle?”

“What is a squizzle” I asked with a fizzle.

“A bundle, a spundle, a fundle, a quondle,

a blob, or a mob, or maybe a glob”

“Do I look like a slob?” I said with a sob.

“A drizzle it is then, and how will you pay?”

“It seems” said I “I forgot my wallet to-day”

Meditation

The fish swim solemnly through the gentle forest creek

silence

paper thin

and in the quiet I can think

thoughts thick as leather

a leaf

I come here only in meditation

to watch the stream become yellow with fallen leaves

spiral

neon orbs

each carry ginger thoughts upon many leaves

I stroke my mustache

smell mint

I cool the radiator of thoughts

fears and doubts I dare not put to ink

Fleeting

It's hard to talk when you can't breath

I don't know if I have anything to say

There is too much noise and I can't think

Silence is so loud

I'm so alone

Happy Valentines Day

Fuck

Society is so fucking confused

I'm so confused

Today's Tom Sawyer

I want to go be happy

Shouldn't I be able to choose to be happy?

Does that mean I'm choosing to be sad?

Maybe being sad is easier than taking a step forward

This feeling in my chest

I can't breath

How do I have fun when I can't breath?

How do I meet people when I can't speak?

I am an island

Not much for anyone to see anyway

I'm the byproduct of a society that needs failures to have successes

I thought I had willpower

I thought I was smart

Here I am

I don't even have a reason

No excuse

My failure is an inherent part of me

Didn't even need a push from the outside

They tried to hold me up

I slipped through their fingers

I belong on the ground

I am a puddle of nothing

What will make me something again?

Finding a girl?

I can dedicate myself to her happiness

It will give me something to do

Will she make me happy?

Maybe

Why am I not happy?

Because I am sad

Why am I sad?

I do not like myself at all

Why not?

Because I am having this conversation

Does that mean I should stop?

It isn't the only reason

Of course

I'm boring

I'm pitiful

I feel their pity

It burns

I can't do anything worthwhile

Not even entertain

Am I good enough?

To be a sacrifice?

It would be pointless

What reward is there for sacrificing nothing?

Does this make any sense?

It does to me

Why do they say they love me?

Is it out of pity?

I know they pity me

Is it true?

I don't see how it can be

Why would they?

Why would they act like they do if they love me?

What choice do I give them?

They don't want to spend all their time with you

You are always sad

But they still do spend time with you

They try to cheer you up

They tolerate you and try to make you happy

Is that love?

I'd die for them

They wouldn't do the same

Does that mean they don't love me?

No

Does that mean they don't love me enough?

Maybe

Am I a poet?

No

Poets say things that matter

Poets say things that are beautiful

You are ugly and pointless

I shouldn't say things like that

Things like that make me sad

Am I crazy?

If not

Then I am sane

Which is much more terrifying

What do I like?

Cleverness

Novelty

Dedication

Where do I find those?

In the corner of your eye

In the distance

Fleeting

Only One Day

Sometimes the world can end for just a day

For just a day everything is lost

For just a day everything we have done is a waste

And everyone knows it will come back

But it's gone for just a day

And everyone knows it will come back

But that doesn't make it all ok

For just a day it was all a waste

And when it's back it's not quite the same

It's that much harder to take a step

When you've seen how easy it is to fall

And when it's back it's not quite the same

The little things you never knew you loved

Weren't important enough to stay

And what happened to yesterday?

Yesterday was as good as any

And better than today

Closer to tomorrow than now

Enough to make you miss the future

But the future isn't the same

A different tomorrow from yesterday

Because sometimes the world can end for just a day

And when it's back it's not quite the same

As the little things you never knew you loved

But that doesn't mean it's not ok

After all those little things

Really weren't important enough to stay

And there will be new little things

And there will be big things too

There's no point missing the future

When it's right in front of you

And closer to the past than the present

which makes it better than today

And even if it was all a waste

And even if you fell a ways

It doesn't mean you can't take a step

The world only ended for a day

Galaxy

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!” screamed Commander Zap as he sped through space at impossible speeds, clutching desperately to the fin outside of a rocket ship.

“Quiet! I'm trying to think!” yelled his older sister, who was already old enough to be first grade. “This doesn't make any sense! We shouldn't be able to breath! We shouldn't be able to hear each other talking! Mrs. Sanchez told us space was a vacuum, that means there's no air or anything.”

“Nuh-uh!” cried the Commander, “I can breath just fine in space! I do it all the time!”

“This isn't one of your games, Max, this is real...wait a minute I see something! That sign says Gas! And it's pointing towards that planet we're headed towards! Max I think we're stopping, just hold on a little longer!”

“My name is Commander Zap! Holding on is easy! Just shut up Sara!”

“Don't talk to me like that Max!” Sara reprimanded as she reflected on the previous night's events. She had woken up to strange noises and lights coming from outside. She went to check on Max's room only to discover that he'd already snuck out. That was just like him, only two years younger than Sara yet he insisted on acting like a little kid, always playing his games and pretending to be a space cadet. Sara chose not to wake her parents because she didn't want Max to get in trouble, so she climbed out his open window to investigate the strange lights. Sure enough, Max was already there, but in front of him towered some large metallic thing that looked like a rocket ship! Even worse, emerging from the strange giant object was some kind of terrifying creature! It looked vaguely human shaped, except it was really thin and green, and it had huge eyes and some kind of antennae coming out of it's head. The thing was walking straight towards Max, and Max was walking closer too! “Max!” Sara had cried, trying desperately to warn him of the danger. Max spun around and saw her, but the creature saw her as well, and immediately scurried back into his ship.

“What are you doing here?” Max had cried angrily.

“Max are you ok? Did that thing touch you?” asked Sara, but her questions were drowned out by the starting engine of the strange ship.

“Wait!” cried Max, “We're not done yet!” he ran and grabbed onto the fin of the ship and tried to get the creature's attention. But it seemed to be in vain, and the ship began lifting.

“Max what are you doing!” screamed Sara as she hurriedly grabbed onto Max's leg just in time for the ship to fly upwards at outrageous speeds.

They'd been hanging on for several minutes now, and Sara still couldn't make any sense of what had happened. “Max, what were you doing with the monster?”

“He's not a monster! I had official business with him!” Commander Zap answered firmly.

“Max for the last time you are not a space cadet!”

“Space Commander! Commander Zap! And yes. I. Am.”

Just then the children arrived at the planet Sara had guessed held some sort of refueling station, which only moments ago had still seemed miles and miles away. The ship slowly came to a stop, landing next to some strange device that looked absolutely nothing like a gas tank. The children rolled away, sprawling, finally back on solid ground.

“Oh God” Sara sobbed “how are we ever going to get back?”

Max simply stood up and banged on the outside of the ship. “Gleepop! Open up!” Immediately the ship did open, and the strange creature stood looking out at the two children.

“Commander Zap!” cried Gleepop in shock, “How did you get here so quickly Sir? I'm sorry I left in such a hurry, I saw a strange human and thought it best to leave quickly.”

“I understand your reasoning perfectly, Gleepop” replied Commander Zap, “but next time wait for my orders.”

“Ma-Max...” stuttered Sara, who had been watching in silent shock.

“I told you, my name is Commander Zap.”

Anxiety

You're surrounded by people

Get out of your head

Chase the daydreams away

No one is judging you

Just hurry and wake up

Make yourself move

You can't make friends if you don't move

You'll never meet new people

So come on and stand up

But you know in your head

No one will talk to you

They'll only walk away

You should just run away

But you can't make yourself move

No one here likes you

You don't even know these people

And as your blood rushes to your head

Your heartbeat skyrockets up

You feel like throwing up

You need to run away

But you're trapped here in your head

And you can't make yourself move

There are too many people

And no one to help you

This is exactly what's wrong with you!

Why can't you just shut up?

You must be annoying these people

They want you to go away

You're not trying hard enough to move

There's something wrong with your head

And there's a pain in your head

Your thoughts moving too fast for you

Because you can't even move

And you're just giving up

The thoughts won't go away

You don't deserve to meet new people

These people don't know what it's like in your head

You can go away and they'll forget you

So why can't you get up and move?

Anxiety Rap

Just look at you

You don't know what you do

Your poetry is so pure and so true

I want to say “hi”

But I can't

I'm paralyzed

By this feeling inside

It's anxiety

getting deep inside a' me

gripping my chest

crushing me and I'm feeling oppressed

leaving me depressed

Just wanna say

how nice your hair looks today

but there's no way

I can't get away

Can't get outta my head

That's why I said

I'd rather be dead

Just know that I'll keep strugglin instead

But this anxiety

It's getting deep inside a' me

gripping my chest

can't help it if I'm feeling stressed

but I'm trying my best

And believe me

It's not easy to be

Me,

If you could just see

What it's like to have all this anxiety

Like thousands of spiders crawlin all over my skin

Can feel them writhin

And it's terrifyin

Like searing hot chains

Holding me down, filling me with this pain

Got nothing to lose and nothing to gain

Can't think of anything but getting away

But there's no way

I'm stuck in my head

That's why I said

I'd rather be dead

Just know that I'll keep strugglin instead

But this anxiety

It's gotten deep inside a' me

Gripping my chest

And I'm in great distress

This is not a test

My mind is like a bureaucracy

Can't even submit a thought for inquiry

Without signing in triplicate and paying a fee

It's under extensive review

To ensure nothing I say is to crude

Don't want anyone to think that I'm rude

Feeling like I might as well be nude

Because I can see

Everyone's looking at me

Leaving me in agony

I'm rooted here like a tree

Don't know if I'll ever be free

Of this anxiety

It's so deep now inside a' me

Gripping my chest

Crushing me and I'm feeling oppressed

Leaving me depressed

And I'm lost in this sea of smiling masks

Tightly gripping knives behind all of their backs

And I can't relax

Can't tell friend from foe

I've got nowhere to go

All these fears in my head just might overflow

So I can't say hello!

And I know you'll say no

That's why I'm stuck in my head

And that's why I said

That I would rather be dead!

Just know that I'll keep strugglin instead

With this anxiety

It's becoming a part a' me

Gripping my chest

Can't help it if I'm feeling stressed

But I'm trying my best

Even though I can't breath

My mind is like a swarm of angry bees

And they're stingin me

Deceivin me

Injecting venomous thoughts

In all my weak spots

Tyin my stomach in knots

And my self-esteem rots

And no matter how hard I try

Just to say “hi”

I'm still standing there mute

When you say “goodbye”

Because this anxiety

All that's left inside a' me

Gripping my chest

And I'm in great distress

This is not a test

Because there is no rest

When you're feeling this stressed

Fuck It

And a switch flipped in my head
And I turned around and said
Fuck it, I'd rather be dead

Mr. Security

Call me Mr Security
and keep me tucked away
I'm here every day
Just in case you need me

Call me trampoline
I'm great for a rebound
and I always stick around
In case you fall back down

Because I'm a moth trapped in your flame
I can't get away
I know I'm gonna burn
and that's perfectly ok

Because I'm drowning in your net
I can't leave
and I can't breath
I wish we'd never met

But I'm a string
Wrapped around your finger
So you won't forget
About your safety net

I'm a marrionette
just pull the strings
and I'll dance the night away
With gin and regret

Call me Mr Security
and keep me tucked away
I'm here every day
Just in case you need me

Call me trampoline
I'm great for a rebound
and I always stick around
In case you fall back down

Dirty Dishes

I have forgotten
the dishes
that were
dirty

And which you
were hoping
I
would clean

Forgive me
they were frightening
so greasy
and foul

Attempts at Senryu

"Don't you trust me?" she said
Of course I do, love
But look how far that got me last time

Distrust is frowned upon
Because lies make life better
Mainly on first dates

Attempts at Haiku

purple flowers
mixed with yellow
going unnoticed every day

 single yellow flower
blooming on the cactus
so covered with thorns

butterfly floats by
toward the spiders web
then flies away uharmed

through the trees
a beautiful sight
which threatens to blind  

Where There's Smoke

Where there's smoke
there are children
whose mothers left nothing
but asthma and tears

Vonnegut's Last Puff

I savor the smoke, so ashy and dry
I remind myself it's the last one
Yesterday I smoked because I wanted to die
Today I stop because of my son
A cowardly way for a man to go
I recall it only with shame
The delicious poison lifted my woe
And promised a death free of blame
But today is the last sweetness I puff
For I now have a child to rear
Living is hard but it is enough
To have beautiful new life grow near

Mother's Day

A mother is someone who has granted life
to an under-appreciative whelp.
Surely he could never repay her
and she has no guarantee he would if he could.
Yet every day she cleans him and feeds him.
She shares timeless wisdom and protects him from the world,
and all he has to say is this;
"I could say 'thank you' all day,
repeat the words 'I love you' for a week,
still it would not be enough,
and besides I am far too busy
using the skills you have taught me
to become happy and successful
so I may prove to the world
how well my mother has raised me."

To My Muse

To My Muse,
     Thank you for guarding my dreams,
vigilantly keeping dark thoughts at bay.
You bring me insight
into parts of my heart
I dare not venture alone.
Your sympathetic gaze
is my only source of warmth.
I apologize for my crudeness,
my unrefined hand is unfit
for your celestial beauty.
You do not love me.
Yet you grant me more than I deserve,
you grace me with your presence
and your tireless wisdom.
It is more than enough.
Thank you.
Without you I could not dream.
Forever yours,
     The Fool

Consistency

as i melt
i grasp
for Something
Solid

It must be Firm
for i am falling
swiftly

finally
i am saved
by the Consistency
of my
Anxiety

at least
It's Dependable

I Need To Be Alone

I need to be alone, you see
Some time to explore why I'm me
For too long I've relied on you
On my own I don't know what's true
That's why when you approach I flee
I need some time for discovery
It's time I made a recovery
So please don't be so sad and blue
I need to be
I once thought we fit to a tee
I know now that I was crazy
We both need to find something new
Where to go next I have no clue
All I know is that I'm lonely
I need to be

Hand-Bound

Hand-bound poetry book
not meant to be read by many
but filled with love for those who do
cardboard cover
colored in crayon
sealed with staples
to fading pages
looking like/ it came/ straight
                              out of a
                  typewriter
just for you

***

I open the book
find a blade of grass
gasp/ it's gone
sigh/ it's back!
how did you get?
in a book/ that
never leaves/ the
library
I put it back
where I found it
a secret bookmark
I wouldn't want nature
to lose its place

Dream Romance

I'm dreaming of a girl
I
            kissed
                        once
                        in
            another
dream
and I'm! Ambushed
by a girl I do not know
who
            kisses
                        me
                        and
            holds
me                   what
                        is
                        her
                        name?
And I see my love and I kiss her
I tell her          “        I        ”
                       love her
and she says  “no no               ”
                       you're doing it
                       all wrong
her lover appears and says
           “these”
           walls
           are
           paper
           thin
           you
           know                “sorry”
she says
and
they kiss

Who Says?

Who says the key to happiness?
                                Is success
I've never seen a warlord
                                happier
than a stoner
Who says the key to happiness?
                                Is wealth
I've seen lovers who have
                                everything
in each other
Who says the key to happiness?
                                Is love
I've never seen anything
Hurt
as much as
                      love
Who says the key to happiness?
                                Is knowledge
It certainly wasn't anyone
                                who has
it
Who says the key to happiness?
                                Is happiness
I feel quite content with my
misery

Romantic

i tell her i can't stop thinking about her
can't eat
can't sleep
because it sounds romantic
i tell her that her smile keeps me going
i'd die for her
i'd live for her
tell her that i see the beauty of the world through her
she is my muse
she is my everything
it sounds so romantic
until the day she leaves
when i discover every word was true

a Moment Lost

I couldn't sleep
I loved her and couldn't have her
and I couldn't sleep
So I went looking for the sunrise
because it was in no hurry to come to me

Searching, I found the Ocean;
Majestic, Timeless, Wise
You've heard it all before
So beautiful and powerful
but it couldn't help me
or wouldn't
I was too small

Searching, I found a precipice;
marked by a child's aging grave
a rotting wooden cross, dead flowers, a porcelain doll
so lonely and sad
Giving up on the sunrise, I heard the taunting of seals
laughing hysterically in front of me and behind me
but I couldn't see them, so I kept going

Searching, I found a ledge surrounded by ocean
on all sides
I was flying, and free
The seals kept mocking me, but I never found them
or the sunrise...
or her...
But I flew

Molly

When she was Six her father left
When she was Eleven her mother said it was her fault
When she was Twenty Two she dated a man
who abused and betrayed her
When she was Twenty Three she got a job
protecting others who would not thank her
When she was Twenty Four she had the health of a sixty-year-old
When she was Twenty Five she had a stroke
and her voice was no longer her own
When she was Twenty Six she said "no more"
moved to the coast with only a handful of possessions
I met her When she was Twenty Seven
She taught me the wonders of the Ocean
of Sea-Shells and Sea-Glass
and the nature of Inner Peace

One Ocean

The ocean is absolutely teeming with life
coral reefs miles long
kelp forests acres high
life in the deepest, darkest, coldest places imaginable
life in unbearable heat and pressure
life in every tide-pool
so much life a blue whale
the largest animal alive
can live off the krill it eats
by swimming with its mouth open
the ocean is the most populated body on the planet
so why is it that
when I look at her
the ocean
she seems the loneliest thing I've ever met
perhaps it's because
for all the manatees, porpoises, fish, mollusks, seals,
jellyfish, plankton, krill, sea turtles, and even humans
on their little boats
so much life
but only one ocean

Memoirs of a Poem

I'm not a poet
I'm a living poem
Written just for you
Writing myself down
Bit by bit
Waiting to be read

The Benefits of Insanity

     it's true
     i'm always frightened and nervous
     afraid of everything from germs to heights to people
     too high above the ground and i feel gut-wrenching terror
     surrounded by strangers and i can't breathe
But no one can face fears like I can
I can climb trees and stand on a stage
I can do anything, no matter how frightening
     because i'm always frightened

     it's true
     i'm always sad and lonely
     i hate so much about myself
     perhaps for no reason at all
Yet I have learned to see through the fog
Not merely the fog of depression; the fog of existing
     without living
I can see the world in all of its forgotten splendor
Feel the coarse bark of a tree
(Which doesn't feel how you think it does, by the way)
I can run and yell and pick flowers
In my glorious insanity life is beautiful and free
     i wasn't lying about the loneliness though
     i am surrounded by beings too sane to join me in living

     it's true
     i'm in denial about the harshness of the world
     i refuse to accept that everyone lies
And I love more truly and freely than any other

Tombstone

Today I was walking through a graveyard and I discovered a tombstone shaped like a book

What a wonderful idea I thought this was, for what describes life more perfectly than a book?

Meeting someone for the first time is the exposition

general and vague

sometimes interesting and sometimes not

As you get to know them there is a sort of rising action

character development

internal struggles and antagonists

Resulting in a climax, the moment in which you love them more than any other

I believe this occurs with everyone we meet, even if we don't believe we love them

there is a single moment in which we do

Sometimes books have a happy ending

but sometimes they don't

They always end though

it's sad when they do

and it's hard to put a good book down

But that's the most important part, when the book in its entirety has become a part of you

and you are now free to read more books

and although those books will end

and the ending may be happy, but it may be sad

it will always

always

be worth the read
 

* * *

I sure hope someone is clever with my tombstone.

Not a book of course, that would be too obvious.

Something far more original.

Perhaps a stone toilet.

The lid can say “He was a tough one, but he finally dropped”

and as a footnote, “loving husband, always left the seat down”

and of course

bonus points if the toilet works